I actually had a draft written out a bit after I had turned 30. But it’s a bit outdated, so I’ll keep that like a diary entry for myself, as a reminder of what I felt at one point in my life. So consider this Turning 30: Part 2.5 – already just a few months away from turning 31 and floating fully and truly into my thirties.
What a year – almost one year of being 30. Looking back on my first entry, it started off anxious and restless, and yet here we are, ending it anxious and restless. The in-between was almost more peaceful, and I felt like I was on cruise control. I spaced out just now and looking back on the past year, it felt like things were moving along exactly the way I had planned. This was everything I wanted, and I had some of the best days and weekends and nights of my life. Truly, I’ll never forget. I knew everything I wanted and everything I wanted was coming to be. I had and have everything anybody might ever want. I turned 30, got married, have wonderful people in my corner, and have a stable career. My friends and family are healthy, my home is a safe haven, and everything is in many ways just right.
But at a certain point, I did feel myself slowly falling – falling in slow motion from some those amazing highs from the year. It felt like I had performed in this dazzling, incredible concert, but it had just ended. Lights were out and as I walked backstage, it dawned on me that life was not always going to be this brilliant.
Was the dream too big? Was this actually what I always wanted? Have I changed? Have my circumstances changed? Is this all there is? Is it me? Am I the drama? I’ve reached another fork in the road with what feels like a thousand different options and new choices to make. Now that we’re virtually out of “the pandemic,” it’s like I’m being bashed in the face with reality after a few years of peace.
So I think it’s time to get back to me. Several things I’ve learned before that though:
- Clarity takes time, especially when it comes to feelings.
- At the end of the day, nobody really cares about you. As cruel as it sounds, it’s also an incredibly freeing principle – you really don’t have to worry what other people think of you.
- There are some really hard decisions in life, and you won’t always make the right ones, but it’s really more important to make the decisions.
- You can’t force anything. I have such little patience but rushing has really never gone well.
- Gut instincts are SO real. Trust them. Appreciating my instincts more and more with time.
- People do very bizarre and strange things when they’re vulnerable.
- People will also hurt you. Protect and take care of yourself.
- When it feels like nothing is going right, go back to the basics: exercise and consistent meals. Clean the house and write things down.
- Similarly, when it feels like nothing matters, go back to your corner of people – family and close friends. If they’re actually your people, they’ll take care of you in one way or another.
- Don’t do things for people expecting anything in return.
- I really deeply believe that people won’t remember exactly what you said or did, but they’ll remember how you made them feel. I live by that in every aspect of my life.
- My mom always told me only be 70% close with any given person. In other words, don’t give any one person your full heart.
- Oh my goodness – the most cliché one is that words truly don’t mean ANYTHING. You can tell how a person feels about you by the way they act and treat you.
- We all just want to be loved. I truly believe everybody is driven by love, even if it’s masked by other things.
- Everything seems to pan out the way it’s meant to.
That doesn’t even begin to cover everything I want to share, but I hope with at least some of that in mind, I can find my way back to me (and if you needed this, you can too!)
Life is so full of sadness and fun and heartbreak and miracles. They’re all specks of moments in time that I am and will always try to be grateful for, and parts of this past year of being 30 felt like a dream. But sometimes we must wake up from those dreams and live life as it is. So onward into my thirties I go! One day, one moment at a time.