Things I Wish for Everyone in 2016


A grown-up wish list of sorts…

  1. Wine from real, corked bottles

2. Hangovers that don’t feel like brain aneurysms

3. The end of Trump…off with his toupée!

4. A metabolism that works better than your printer (they always break, am I right??)

5. Fresh poops where you’re down to give the toilet a high-five

6. Men, not asses who decide to go dark once you’ve hooked up with them

7. Women, not dramatic baby chicks that play games. Like literal yellow fluffy chicken-offspring that play Monopoly.

8. Genuine LOLing

9. The ability to post on Instagram more than once a day without shame

10. Cold, not warm, beer

11. Pals that don’t make you feel crazy

12. Full authority over your emotions aka not crying at the drop of a pin

13. Getting sloshed at work events not because you can’t deal with your coworkers but because you want to deal with them

14. Plan C(ondoms) and less Plan B

15. Everything being on fleek/on point

16. Anxiety related to what pizza to order instead of anxiety related to your goddamn phone

17. Real orgasms.


This is not what I expected… But you made me laugh! Cheers and Happy New Year! 🙂