Mirror of Erised


It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live, remember that.

Dumbledore has it right there. I think I’m personally very, very guilty of doing just that. I have a very strong tendency to dwell, and it’s been my biggest struggle and obstacle while abroad. And I mean “dwell” in every sense of the word. Dwell in the physical sense – example – dwelling in the kitchen, eating everything out of the fridge. Dwell in the psychological sense -struggling to forgive and forget. And dwell in the temporal sense – dwelling on the past and future, yearning for everything except the present.

Being abroad have changed the first two – I have not let myself dwell in the kitchen for fear of finishing jars of nutella, and have forced myself to go to museums, see Paris, travel around Western Europe. That much has been done. I’ve also had a lot of time to think here, and so I tend to see-saw very heavily in terms of the mistakes I’ve made and the people I’ve hurt and who have hurt me. But I think with time and more understanding, that too will pass. But I haven’t yet mastered the idea of living in the present.

I have serious bouts of nostalgia. I wish I could have this friend back. I wish I had told him I liked him. I wish that had never happened with my family. I wish we were all the way we were. What’s worse is that I tend to remember people who have wronged me as better than they are, and people who have only been good to me as obnoxious and irritating, and I wonder why I ever associated myself with them. Memories are so malleable and I especially tend to insert new notions into the past, seeing things and people generally as better than they were. I beat myself up about why I messed that friendship up and I just miss the past so much, when I know that there were reasons for a falling out and that the past is no better than the present.

In terms of the future, I just have so much to look forward to. Some of my best friends are visiting me this winter, I get to see my family, I get to go back to my college and have the convenience of getting completely hammered but then walking just a few meters to my safe, warm dorm, and I get to see the friends I haven’t seen for months. But the worst part is, I know that after I leave here in three weeks, I’ll already be begging for the same macarons, les galettes jambons fromages, and les baguettes traditions. I’ll miss the European blasé attitude, the beautiful sights and people, the days sitting at cafés or wandering around Montmartre and along the Seine, being able to travel wherever whenever, from  Munich to Copenhagen to Rome to Vienna to Salzburg to London and more. I need to stop wishing that I was drinking and going out with this friend who isn’t abroad with me, or having this delicious meal with my family, or complaining about how cold French people can be or how inefficient this country is. I’ve been on a semester long vacation of sorts and I’M IN PARIS FOR GODSAKE.

So I need to understand where I am and what I have right now instead of looking forward to a future that won’t be as perfect as I foresee it as and instead of looking back at a semester where I wish I had done more and appreciated it more. One day, I’ll only see myself in the Mirror of Erised, dwelling in only the present. Until then, I’ll let myself hold a few extra pairs of warm socks or have an extra friend, all the while strolling around Jardin du Luxembourg, eating a nutella crepe.

Only three weeks left, so on y va mes amis!!

This will be my soundtrack:

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AbPED9bisSc&w=560&h=315]

Puts a sentimental post to shit…héhéhé


Yup.. looking forward is the best way to deal with it. Looking back wont do much help anyways.

This is all so real….enjoy the rest of your time abroad…those 3 weeks are going to fly by.

Everything about this is exactly how I feel. Thank you for putting words to such a complicated mess.