The Arielle Story: Mermaid with a Man’s Appetite


Don’t be phased by the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle above. She’s actually a Barbie. Can we all be honest? This girl is BANGIN’. She also happens to be mah girl. SO BACK OFF. Just kidding. She’s such a hot commodity that I need a reservation to get me some of that. But would you know that she can eat a slice of pie, a cupcake, a generous portion of turkey, stuffing, green beans, bread, butter, chili, ham, quiche, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, brie and fig jam, chicken and pasta, in a span of three hours? Barbie got an invisible belly.

I discovered this when her family or my surrogate family (I’m still trying to convince them to adopt me), graciously invited me for Thanksgiving dinner. I had driven around five hours from school to get to her house in rural New Jersey. It was America in its rawest form, so I was very excited to have my first all-American Thanksgiving. I drove up and was greeted by her dad, taking a break from chopping wood. Need I elaborate?

I went inside, ready to pass out from all the driving, when her mom…wait, let me tell you about her mom. Her mom is the bubbliest, blonde bombshell who can make you smile with a simple hello. Anyway, as soon as I went inside, I got a whiff of pie. My eyes rolled to the back of my head. I was forced into a seat at the kitchen island, and immediately, there was a bowl of chili and chips placed in front of me, which I inhaled. But then a plate of ham, quiche, bread pudding, and bacon was thrown in front of me immediately afterwards. I was a little delirious at this point and overwhelmed by the sudden onslaught of food, that I’m pretty sure when they were asking me about how my drive was and how I had been spending the break before, I just kind of mumbled and dribbled a little bit of food, I’m sure with my eyes pointing in opposite directions and my tongue hanging lazily, not unlike the stupid hyena in the Lion King.

But that was only the beginning. The rest of the night went along the same thread: non-stop food, plus an extraordinary Thanksgiving dinner. You thought that the above was my Thanksgiving meal right? Nope, that was just the “appetizer” or the “warm-up.” Pie on pie on pie on pie on pie. I also took on Arielle’s brother’s mantra, “eat through the pain.” I followed that dutifully enough that I switched into my elastic pajama boxers, took a nap, and then woke up again to eat more pie and chocolate ganache.

Never before had I seen a family, so fit and in shape, eat that much food. I’ll say it again. I’ve never met any family eat that much food. Where does it all go?? Anyway, it was one of the most memorable Thanksgivings I had had in a while. We went shooting, watched the Shining, and played cards, but mostly, we ate. if I had been trying to watch my weight at all that break, it all went to shit in one night, and I never quite lost it. But I would never change a thing.

Check out for my food pictures taken by yours truly!!